8-10 Weeks | Our huge Milestone

WEEK 8

Long before the 8-week mark came, there was built up fear and grief that left me numb most days. By week 7 I stayed inside just rubbing my little bump and soaking in all the feelings. I felt really close to Roman leading up to Rainbow Baby's 8-week milestone. It was the last full week I had with Roman and it brought back the joys and happy feelings.

Sitting there rubbing Rainbow Baby I wanted time to just stop. I was afraid of it moving too fast and reaching a point where I would have it all taken away, so to keep it there, felt safe.

We reached and passed that 8-week and 3-day mark. Wow, it was emotional to feel all those feelings. There was hope this time around something I didn't have before. It was new. All new, I felt lost almost on what to do next. I had worry feelings moving forward but every day I made a point to talk to our Baby. I rubbed my belly and soak in every minute. I know I haven't missed anything. Every week that comes, we are fighting for just 1 more week!

WEEK 9

I had not felt any morning sickness at this point. I had the part of me that was saying "I know I should be thankful for no sickness.... " and the other part of me saying "I wish I had symptoms that come with pregnancy, to know that Baby is okay."

When your hormones are high and working you "normally" or what I have always known was that if you were sick it was okay, that baby is healthy. With no sickness at all, it left a fear over me.

We had decided to do a last minute movie date sometime around 9-weeks. Breakfast seemed to not have settled right, I thought "maybe this is it, morning sickness!?" but nothing was happening. We got to the movies and we were passing Zesto's ice cream. I told Cain to pull over... I thought I needed to throw up but just wasn't sure. About 3 minutes passed there and finally like that, I had light vomit out the side door of our jeep.

It didn't last long, it wasn't much but as Cain come around to give me a tissue and saw me crying!

Cain - "Babe, what's wrong?!"

Lanette - "I'm so happy!!"

Laughing at me now Cain says "Your pregnant, Baby is okay!"

We laughed and I cried some more.

WEEK 10

I had one more throwing up session after I ate way too much pizza (it was healthier pizza and tasted so good to me, so yes, I ate way too much!"

I had a friend recommend to start eating smaller meals and more snacks throughout the day. Not to overeat. Since then I haven't had any sickness. But I still refuse to take the trash bag out to the huge trash can, that is a smell I rather not have to smell ... it's bad!

Thankful for every week. More to come...

BABY IS HERE

You may look at this photo and see just an average couple excited to announce their baby's arrival (excited we are!) But what you don't see behind a photo is the pain and heartbreak long before this photo was taken. The grief that we went through and continue to live in daily is sometimes not seen, it's felt every day though. But to someone who doesn't understand or know themselves, it can go unnoticed and it may just look like an effortless photo.

 This is not our first baby and that will always be known to us. As we rejoice in baby #2 we always will be reminded of Roman not being here. 

Our excitement and joy is someone else's reminder of heartbreak and grief also. As I write this I know someone is hurting and longing for what this moment will feel like. Those who are in grief and who are in pain, I see you. I see you mama. I see your hearts desire. 

Our journey has been an open book, for the most part, those who know us know of our first baby Roman There are days I didn't talk about that were painful and ugly to post. You are not alone on these days, I promise you this. 

 As I am living out this dream I feel almost numb to what is happening at times. "Is this really even happening?" I thought as we smiled for a photo. "I don't believe it could be true" were the words actually spoken as I lay on the bed at the ultrasound appointment when the technician said... 

"Want to hear Baby's heartbeat?"

Let me tell you that this has been a journey that is still happening. I have had days of rejoicing and days of fear for not what "maybe could happen" but for what has already happened once to us. In these moments I pray over our baby and repeat the words from our heavenly Father...

“Behold, I am making all things new.” 

Revelation 21:5

Since the day I heard Baby's heartbeat I have felt Satan trying so hard steal all my joy. Putting flashbacks in my head fears in my heart and robbing me of the joy I felt hearing our Baby’s heartbeat. Today I am saying "No more Satan, you are not welcome here! "

We are so blessed to announce the joy of what God has formed and set apart in me. 

Our Baby is HERE! 

Yes, HERE. Not coming, or going to be here. Already here.

Weird to hear that said? Time to get used to hearing it. 

Baby has arrived and is living inside of me until our baby is ready to come earthside.

 We are blessed. Look what our God can do.

Roman

I fought going out for a long time after losing our baby. Waiting to deliver my baby, I went through ugly postpartum hormones without my baby to cuddle with to get through and then life after loss is extremely difficult. So I found a safe place within the walls of my home where I was safe from reality and from others who might say something that would make it worse.

But I decided to finally get out and we joined our friend at her church one Sunday in April.

The pastor started his sermon out with a story, about him and his wife's first baby...

He told of the birth of their first child and shared with us that he was born on August 28th. 

Cain and I look at each other both with an odd expression on our faces. That's our babies due date! August 28th. Weird that he would say that and it is the same as our baby. It wasn't even a big part of his story, it was just a passing comment saying the date. But it is a big date for us. 

I can't tell you everything he talked about.  I didn't take notes I barely could listen. I just sat there as he spoke but really the whole time God was doing work in me to prepare my heart for what came at the end of his message.

As we sat and he was ending his sermon on the big screen right in front of us was a verse that popped up on the screen.  

I gasped for air. I begin to sob uncontrollably. Before my eyes was my baby's due date, again.

Romans 8:28

The verse read: 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

I cried for my baby. I cried knowing that God has a purpose for our child and it was confirmed right there that our child had a name. We love our Lord, we love that he gave us a child to love. It's shown us this special kind of love for our unborn child and other unborn babies that we didn't have before.

The ones who are not earthside but still with us, he showed us what a love like that can look like. I know that God placed our child in my womb for a reason. He did NOT want our child to die. Sin entered the world and with it came sickness and death. Sometimes precious babies are the victims as my friend shared with me recently as I've been searching for answers. God can use anything for good. But his plan is NOT to kill babies. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." - Psalm 139:13

Roman August Grogg, we love you even though we never knew you.

"THE WALL"

When we moved into our new little home in September, I knew what colors I wanted the walls. White. I had been dreaming of white walls for over a year and when I was seeing the home for the first time I saw a wall in the dining room, that was close to a window. I said to myself. That's the wall.

You see, I have been dreaming of being a mother for years. You may have asked me "When are you guys having kids?!" I would reply back ... "Not yet!" that doesn't mean I didn't want to be a mother. It was me saying "We have a plan, and we are waiting for the plan"

When I saw this blank wall I knew what I wanted to use it for. The long waited, bump wall.

You know, the one where you see the bump growing each month.

The day we found out we were parents to a little tiny baby in my belly I said: "Let's take a picture on the wall!!"

THROUGH LIFE OR DEATH

Just two young kids, who fell in love.