Roman

I fought going out for a long time after losing our baby. Waiting to deliver my baby, I went through ugly postpartum hormones without my baby to cuddle with to get through and then life after loss is extremely difficult. So I found a safe place within the walls of my home where I was safe from reality and from others who might say something that would make it worse.

But I decided to finally get out and we joined our friend at her church one Sunday in April.

The pastor started his sermon out with a story, about him and his wife's first baby...

He told of the birth of their first child and shared with us that he was born on August 28th. 

Cain and I look at each other both with an odd expression on our faces. That's our babies due date! August 28th. Weird that he would say that and it is the same as our baby. It wasn't even a big part of his story, it was just a passing comment saying the date. But it is a big date for us. 

I can't tell you everything he talked about.  I didn't take notes I barely could listen. I just sat there as he spoke but really the whole time God was doing work in me to prepare my heart for what came at the end of his message.

As we sat and he was ending his sermon on the big screen right in front of us was a verse that popped up on the screen.  

I gasped for air. I begin to sob uncontrollably. Before my eyes was my baby's due date, again.

Romans 8:28

The verse read: 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

I cried for my baby. I cried knowing that God has a purpose for our child and it was confirmed right there that our child had a name. We love our Lord, we love that he gave us a child to love. It's shown us this special kind of love for our unborn child and other unborn babies that we didn't have before.

The ones who are not earthside but still with us, he showed us what a love like that can look like. I know that God placed our child in my womb for a reason. He did NOT want our child to die. Sin entered the world and with it came sickness and death. Sometimes precious babies are the victims as my friend shared with me recently as I've been searching for answers. God can use anything for good. But his plan is NOT to kill babies. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." - Psalm 139:13

Roman August Grogg, we love you even though we never knew you.

You may remember awhile back I talked about naming our first child in heaven. I did not know what to say when the loss was so new. We do not know if our baby was a boy or girl and at the time the grief was too much to even start processing these things.

Just a couple of months ago my sister asked me again "Do you have a name for your baby?" this time around when asked this question I felt something deeper saying "yes.... I just do not know what it is yet" 

When I saw Romans 8:28 on this huge screen I knew that was our child's name. I felt so much relief to know finally, thank you Jesus for guiding me to this place!

Roman for our boy or Ro-Ro for our little girl. We can not wait for a beautiful gender reveal party in heaven!

We have tried to process and honor the life that God gave to us. I have not wanted to dishonor the life God formed in my womb. If Jesus gave Roman to me, there was a purpose and I do not want to think lightly of Roman's life and the memory of the life Roman had within my womb.

Tomorrow we finally get the chance to plant a flowering tree in my parent's backyard where we will have a stone with Roman's name and due date for remembrance.

We also had these pictures taken. And wow what a healing stepping stone that was! And Roman showed up for it! The sun was shining so bright and a rainbow showed up to show us that after a storm there will always be a rainbow.

 We know our sweet Roman is in heaven shining down on us as we smile and remember how blessed we are to have a loving and gracefilled heavenly Father!

We share Roman's life because life is beautiful, each one. Tiny or big. To celebrate the lives less talked about is not normal, we get that. But maybe that shouldn't be normal. Death is hard to talk about. Death of a baby is even harder. Breaking the silence starts with a voice for the tiny ones.

Roman was tiny but worthy of being remembered. There are many many more just like Roman. We should talk about them, let's talk about their lives and how we will meet them in heaven <3