THROUGH LIFE OR DEATH

Just two young kids, who fell in love.


Dancing on a trampoline listening to country music from an old radio. Soaking in each new moment learning to love in ways we couldn't even imagine.

We promised to love each other through good times and in bad in the vows spoken on our wedding day. Often you hear sickness or in health, through being poor or rich....  what about, life or death.

There was no way for us to imagine on that day what going through death would look like, feel like or make sense of it.

I spoke clearly when saying "I promise to support, trust and stand by your leadership as the role of my husband and father to our children"

I am now living that out today. Through the grief of losing our baby, I have witnessed my husband leading us through this time of grief. Did Cain know how to do this? No... in marriage counseling there was no talk of how too grieve with a wife through the death of your unborn baby.

Although he has grieved differently throughout this time than me. He has never lost my support or trust and I get to stand by his side while he holds me, comforting me through each day.

I am not sure how he knew what to say, or when not to say anything at all but to let me ... feel. This was not taught, but given to him, I know from our heavenly father who was showing him how to care and comfort me.

Just two young kids who fell in love.

How could I continually fall more in love? Dreaming of Cain as a father to our child gave me tears of joy just thinking about it, falling so in love with his role as a dad to our baby. This nourishing parent thing comes so naturally to him.

The day I delivered our baby, Cain was there with me gracefully guiding me through the process of grief at that moment... he reminded me of the joy of having our baby in heaven. Our baby was already gone from us, the body already gone from us, we could not hold on to what was not there, baby was gone... even if I wanted to just hold on to baby forever, I couldn't. I was shaking, I was in shock that my body held this tiny human... momma bear in me wanted to protect baby... it felt like I lost all control of baby at that moment, I had to let go... knowing God held tight to our baby.

Our baby has something grand that we do not have, a perfect place to call home. We long, wish and dreamed to have given baby Grogg OUR home, our little space that I was nesting in I wanted baby THERE... but we have to rejoice in knowing baby has something so much grander then we could have ever prepared for, no baby room was going to be able to fit the wings of our baby. Cain reminds me of this because I often want our baby in our home. Cain's love for our family has no end... while he grieves, he has to be strong for me... how does one do both? I will never know.

Baby Grogg was so special to have a daddy like Cain.

Cain did not get to feel the changes, he did not deliver baby ... but he was there and is still here for me, momma.

Weeping on the couch at our midwives office I voiced how "although I never wanted to go through this pain, I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else than with Cain." As I am now weeping writing this down I dream of what it would have looked like to see Cain hold our baby, and what words he would have whispered, I can only imagine he would say how much he loved baby, and how he couldn't wait to teach baby how to play hockey.... can you see it? I can ...

The good times and in bad, the sickness and in health... through life or in death.

Just two young kids who keep falling in love.