"THE WALL"

When we moved into our new little home in September, I knew what colors I wanted the walls. White. I had been dreaming of white walls for over a year and when I was seeing the home for the first time I saw a wall in the dining room, that was close to a window. I said to myself. That's the wall.

You see, I have been dreaming of being a mother for years. You may have asked me "When are you guys having kids?!" I would reply back ... "Not yet!" that doesn't mean I didn't want to be a mother. It was me saying "We have a plan, and we are waiting for the plan"

When I saw this blank wall I knew what I wanted to use it for. The long waited, bump wall.

You know, the one where you see the bump growing each month.

The day we found out we were parents to a little tiny baby in my belly I said: "Let's take a picture on the wall!!"

Looking at this photo now, I smile... and now I am crying. The joy felt the emotions going through my heart at this time were seen at this wall.

We had 3 weeks on this wall.

It wasn't too soon in my eyes to start tracking the growth. Baby was our baby, we wanted to watch Baby grow.

At almost 9 weeks we found out our baby had stopped growing.

This wall was no longer a wall of joy.

I passed by this wall on the way to the bathroom as I miscarried my baby. I stood at this wall and cried.

Time was passing. The pain was not.

I was wrapped in love on one Friday a couple weeks after losing baby. Our friends delivered gifts from a team of women who wanted to wrap us in prayer, they gifted us in ways to show their love for my baby.

One of the gifts was a bouquet of flowers.

I was sitting there shaking opening this gift. It was breathtaking, this bundle of flowers. I had never seen something so beautiful before. But it was more than the flowers that made me shake. It was the love I was feeling.

By being open about the loss of my baby I was allowing others in on my grief. This wasn't easy. It at times, seemed easier to hold it in, not wanting others in. I fought this... I felt like being open and sharing was allowing others to love my baby. That's all I wanted. Was my baby to be loved.

So seeing gifts, that were given in love to us meant that they were loving my baby too.

Holding the flowers felt right. I cried over them. Silly? maybe. It moved me. I can't quite explain it.

After our friends left us I sat and stared at each item so I wouldn't forget them. I wanted to take pictures of the flowers and the items given to me... because that's what I know to do with things I love, take pictures of them. It may be people, it may be items, it may be a bottle of oil.... but how I express myself is through photographs. So I sat there.... fighting the tug on my heart.

Then I heard words in my heart say "The wall"

I started to cry. Because I knew what that meant. It meant going back to a painful place. Yes, a wall was painful to me. It reminded me of the joy... but it reminded me of the great loss.

I got up the nerve to say it out loud to Cain... "Would you like to go back to the wall?"

Knowing this was something for him to have to do too as the photographer taking the photos.

We agreed that this is what I wanted to do and that I wanted it to be healing. And boy was it.

The healing that took place was beautiful. Although there were tears, tears can bring healing...

Flowers can bring healing. At least... it was for me.

This wall is not just any normal wall. It is memories, it is joy, it is pain ... it is healing. 

Will you keep seeing pictures at this wall? Yes... we long for more joy than pain but for now, this wall is a place we can go and remember the joy... like from the first photo I showed you at the wall.

Flowers by Farmgirl Flowers 
Given by my friends over at Gatekeeper's <3 

Thank you, friends.