Roman

I fought going out for a long time after losing our baby. Waiting to deliver my baby, I went through ugly postpartum hormones without my baby to cuddle with to get through and then life after loss is extremely difficult. So I found a safe place within the walls of my home where I was safe from reality and from others who might say something that would make it worse.

But I decided to finally get out and we joined our friend at her church one Sunday in April.

The pastor started his sermon out with a story, about him and his wife's first baby...

He told of the birth of their first child and shared with us that he was born on August 28th. 

Cain and I look at each other both with an odd expression on our faces. That's our babies due date! August 28th. Weird that he would say that and it is the same as our baby. It wasn't even a big part of his story, it was just a passing comment saying the date. But it is a big date for us. 

I can't tell you everything he talked about.  I didn't take notes I barely could listen. I just sat there as he spoke but really the whole time God was doing work in me to prepare my heart for what came at the end of his message.

As we sat and he was ending his sermon on the big screen right in front of us was a verse that popped up on the screen.  

I gasped for air. I begin to sob uncontrollably. Before my eyes was my baby's due date, again.

Romans 8:28

The verse read: 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"

I cried for my baby. I cried knowing that God has a purpose for our child and it was confirmed right there that our child had a name. We love our Lord, we love that he gave us a child to love. It's shown us this special kind of love for our unborn child and other unborn babies that we didn't have before.

The ones who are not earthside but still with us, he showed us what a love like that can look like. I know that God placed our child in my womb for a reason. He did NOT want our child to die. Sin entered the world and with it came sickness and death. Sometimes precious babies are the victims as my friend shared with me recently as I've been searching for answers. God can use anything for good. But his plan is NOT to kill babies. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." - Psalm 139:13

Roman August Grogg, we love you even though we never knew you.

"THE WALL"

When we moved into our new little home in September, I knew what colors I wanted the walls. White. I had been dreaming of white walls for over a year and when I was seeing the home for the first time I saw a wall in the dining room, that was close to a window. I said to myself. That's the wall.

You see, I have been dreaming of being a mother for years. You may have asked me "When are you guys having kids?!" I would reply back ... "Not yet!" that doesn't mean I didn't want to be a mother. It was me saying "We have a plan, and we are waiting for the plan"

When I saw this blank wall I knew what I wanted to use it for. The long waited, bump wall.

You know, the one where you see the bump growing each month.

The day we found out we were parents to a little tiny baby in my belly I said: "Let's take a picture on the wall!!"