If I only share pretty pictures of happy things, then I am not being real with you. Losing a baby looks something like this. It’s not pretty, it’s not what you may think it would be. It’s not always “going to be okay,” and it’s going to look different for everyone. There may be mommas who have hope or there may be no hope in sight. You may see a rainbow coming or you may be stuck in the storm. You may find comfort in the littlest things but it may also be painful to feel the comfort. You may feel every emotion imaginable or sit in silence because being numb to reality might seems easier. Hiding from the truth seems nice sometimes, the truth that my baby died, and there was nothing I could do it stop it.
Within minutes of knowing my baby had died, in shock and trying to breathe through each sob that came out of my body. There was a woman who walked into the room, and to me, she looked like an angel. She was so beautiful and I thought there was a glow in her (even while I was processing the worst moment of my life, I witnessed her glow).
She spoke words so softly, not needing anything from me, just trying to comfort me in whatever way she could. I started to become angry though. I felt safe in this place with her so I spoke of how “I have never had a drink. I’ve never smoked. I’ve never done drugs. I stopped drinking coffee. I eat healthy foods. I don’t use any chemicals anymore, “ sobbing after each word trying to prove to her I did everything I knew to do for my baby!
I cried “What did I do?!”
I let it all out, so confused and so angry at myself that this had happened. She was calm and spoke with so much love in her voice... she said "From the moment we become moms, " she paused and then she said to me with such conviction, “You ARE a mom.” The tears that were shed in that moment were from the depths of my heart. I cried out for my baby, longing for someone to hear my cry. All of the feelings I could possibly feel at one moment were felt.
She (this angel woman) called me ...... a mom.
She was the first person to call me a mother. This woman was an angel because she saw me as a mom. Her eyes welled up as she continued on, “...the moment we become moms, for the rest of our lives, we are so so hard on ourselves. Everything we do, we are hard on ourselves for. There was nothing you did wrong. It wasn’t your fault.”
Why do I feel regret, when there was nothing I could have done? Because I am a mom.
I would do anything to protect the life God had given me. So I regret things, even if it was out of my control. I long to fix things, that can not be fixed on earth. I’ve come to realize, that’s what moms sometimes do. We desire more perfection, and can only see the negative at times. Perfection.... the other day, I sat for a while wondering why I felt this way.
I knew that these regrets and doubts I was feeling were from Satan.
I prayed aloud, "Lord give me peace. Lord show me, your grace." I know there was nothing I could have done to save my baby because there was no way of knowing that my sweet baby would not take his first breath on earth, no matter what I did. God has perfection in all things, knowing all things. He brings understanding to things that we can not dream to understand.
The story behind this photo: after a very hard, doubting day, struggling with so many questions and "what if's," I was coming home and I decided to stop by the Post Office. I came out of the Post Office with a package in my hand, within this package was a note and gift. And in the note, guess what verse the woman inside put ...
"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7
I cried until I couldn't anymore. The Lord knew I needed these words because I was doubting His work and His peace in my life. I picked up my phone and the camera was facing me. I saw my eyes and I could see the face of a mother wanting peace, rest. I took the photo because I believed that in that moment, Christ could use me like He used this woman from the note. Even with a face wet with tears, I knew I wanted to be used for something. I did not want to feel hopeless anymore.
There are days where I am confused. I’m angry and I’m weeping. I hear the Holy Spirit say to me that I am a mom though. That I am a good mom.... and that my baby is okay. Even if I’m not okay, my baby is happy. He is dancing, sitting on laps of others, being kissed often and living a perfect life with no regrets. Isn’t that something to rejoice in?!
Even though I have tears, I’m rejoicing. I’m happy for my baby. These are thoughts from Christ. I know the thoughts of regret or doubt are from Satan, seeking to steal, kill, and destroy.
I share this with you to give awareness, that although a mom might seem okay in public, there are days we weep. There are days that we wish things were different or that we could have done more. There are days we are confused by things we cannot control. We might cry out in our cars or in our homes. Just know that when you see a mom, any mom young or wise, with babies in heaven or on earth, give them a hug and tell them that you SEE them.... in motherhood. In the mess and lack of perfection, you SEE them, and you acknowledge what you see in their hearts. It might be just what they need to hear. Let Christ win this battle of doubts and regrets in motherhood.
Oh, how I grieve for my baby. I lack perfection, I long for comfort... Empty handed, Lord hear my cry...
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. … Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life... “ Psalms 23:4,6
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” - Matthew 11:28
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