Life.
What a beautiful miracle life is.
In my heart, I became a mom, and Cain a dad on January 2nd, 2018, that's the day we realized I was carrying our first child.
From that moment there was nothing else that mattered but to care, love and treasure the little life we were given. A perfect baby, being formed in my womb, growing each day ... I felt my body changing, and with it, my heart changed too, it will never be the same now.
From that moment there was nothing else that mattered but to care, love and treasure the little life we were given. A perfect baby, being formed in my womb, growing each day ... I felt my body changing, and with it, my heart changed too, it will never be the same now.
The days and weeks that followed were giggles in a crowded area, wanting to burst it out loud "I'm pregnant!" ... "Hey! I'm having my first baby!"
We celebrated at home, dreaming of things to come. We got to share our excitement with our closest friend, what tears of joy we shed together laughing through it all.... what joy we felt.
This little life was our little happy secret, we were counting the days down to share this joy with family, our friends and anyone who would care enough to listen. We knew that our child would be loved and kissed often.
We thoughtfully planned this child, we prayed over him before we knew of him and had everything just right. The due date, the first onesie, our midwife and where to put the crib... little details and big details were laid out, we just had to wait a little while to see everything come to life.
We thoughtfully planned this child, we prayed over him before we knew of him and had everything just right. The due date, the first onesie, our midwife and where to put the crib... little details and big details were laid out, we just had to wait a little while to see everything come to life.
On January 20th, 2018... I met you.
Baby, I saw you. I said to you in a prayer within, "Hi sweet baby, I'm your momma"
We will never get to hold our baby.
As the words sunk in slowly, as though I was knocked into reality because I could not stop staring at my baby on the ultrasound screen... I heard the words "This part of my job is so hard, I'm sorry ... baby has no heartbeat"
As though I didn't understand what that meant. I started to listen closely to what she was saying.
"Your baby has no heartbeat"
These words will forever be ingrained and the image I was looking at, will never be forgotten.
The words after these are unclear, they were unclear to me... because life stopped and I could not breathe.... I tried to get words out, as I caught my breath.
Words like "I don't understand" ... "I'm so confused" ... "What are you saying?" is all I could get out through tears, heavy breathing and sobs...
I write this now in my home, 3 weeks since this sad and confusing day.
In this moment though if I would have written down my thoughts ... there would be so much pain, hurt, grief, confusion, anger and no joy... only deep pain
If I would have written this the day after ... denial, fear, pain, grief, sorrow... still so confused
And each day following would be a pattern of emotions just like the ones above... honestly. I still feel a lot of those emotions today as I go back to those memories and play them over and over again.
And each day following would be a pattern of emotions just like the ones above... honestly. I still feel a lot of those emotions today as I go back to those memories and play them over and over again.
As if it was a good thing we found out on a Friday, we heard the words like "Take the weekend to grieve and think about the next steps to make..." come that Monday morning though I was angry... I'm still weeping for my baby, I still am confused ... I have not slept in days... is this not normal? Should I be "over this?" my child.
The weekend is over and nothing has changed. I don't know what to do, I was so very lost.
The weekend is over and nothing has changed. I don't know what to do, I was so very lost.
As I am finding out, there is no "How to" grieve through a miscarriage. No game plan to study to prepare yourself.... and sadly very few share their loss of an unborn baby so what I was going through, I felt alone and had so many questions that no one could answer for me. Was my baby going to be forgotten? Was my baby less loved by others, because they never saw him? Will people even look at me like a mom? I have no baby to show for this pregnancy.
Question after question, with no real answers. There were no answers good enough, they are unfair questions that I had to ask though...
When a baby is born stillborn, (something that gives me tears for all mommas...) there is a body to look at, there is a funeral, a ceremony to go to maybe... to offer your deepest "sorry for your loss", there is a body to see and to know that there was life... and there was a sad, too soon of death.
Miscarriages are less talked about, different becasue we don't have a baby to show you. Therefore there is no funeral to invite you too. I stay home as I lose my baby and life does go on for others. What you need to understand is, I did not stop being pregnant, my baby died.
Leaving the office of our ultrasound we sat in our jeep for what seemed like hours... there was actually a lot said. There was so much pain spoken, all those questions were coming to mind but my first words that came out were ... "I want to give this baby life"
At the time it was all I could say. I cried over my baby saying "I'm sorry, I feel so sorry that I could not take care of you like a momma should... "
The Lord said to me, through my tears and pain. He said "You are perfect momma, I am taking care of your baby now"
A whole new compassion came over me for moms who have lost a child. May it be a miscarriage, a stillborn, hours after a baby is earthside ... even many years old, still a baby in a moms eyes. For if you have not lost, there is no understanding. (that does not mean you cannot be sad for moms though)
The next day my sisters came over and were around me, after tears and some sweet laughs (because with sisters there will always be laughter) they were sitting on my couch, being there for me in whatever way I might need ... I started to realize something ... My oldest sister has two beautiful babies (as I watched them play, laugh and smile in that moment)
My youngest sister had come to her due date, still waiting ... waiting for her handsome baby to be born ... and here I was ... waiting for my baby to deliver, who was already gone...
My youngest sister had come to her due date, still waiting ... waiting for her handsome baby to be born ... and here I was ... waiting for my baby to deliver, who was already gone...
There was a deep pain in this moment. But there was also, hope.
I saw joy, I witness different stages of motherhood that I wish I could have had with this baby. But saw the hope and I saw the love of God in this moment. He wrapped me in his arms right then. I felt a moment of peace.
Cain and I celebrated our baby's life before anyone here on earth could. Now we just wish to show you his life, even if it was very short. I am unclear about a lot of things. I am still confused, I am still in pain.
We have many tears still being shed, but we are learning that laughter is good for our hearts.
I wanted to end this with a story: We laughed many of times before we even began to pray for this baby over if we were going to find out the gender of the baby before He or She was born.
I was set on waiting, I love surprises! Cain ... he hated the idea, although he finally agreed with me once we knew we were pregnant! Standing in the kitchen after a week of knowing about the loss of our baby, shedding tears and searching for something to say that would make us feel better. Cain says smiling "Well, I guess I'm just going to have to wait a little longer to find out if baby was a Boy or a Girl" I started to laugh ... I smiled and I began to cry again, but I got to imagine that day in heaven thinking "what a surprise that will be" the sweetest gender reveal I will ever see. Pinterest can't top this one.
These weeks that have followed the day I saw my baby have been met with some of my closest friends and family standing next to us, giving us the time to grieve and offering words of healing, and sometimes not saying anything at all, but praying for us... these have been the most healing of times knowing there is nothing to say, but to just be there for us with prayer.
Because there are so many people I have cried with I can not express all my love for them in this one post.
I do want you guys to know though... I have gotten the answers to those questions that were painful for me to ask, some I found in my own heart, some validated by other moms but mostly all given from the Lord.
I have friends who have shared their loss and comforted me in mine. Every story shared to me, of these losses, mommas... I wept for your babes... my heart goes out to you, your strength gives me strength.
To the people who prayed over us, and baby ... you know who you are. Thank you <3
We have many tears still being shed, but we are learning that laughter is good for our hearts.
I wanted to end this with a story: We laughed many of times before we even began to pray for this baby over if we were going to find out the gender of the baby before He or She was born.
I was set on waiting, I love surprises! Cain ... he hated the idea, although he finally agreed with me once we knew we were pregnant! Standing in the kitchen after a week of knowing about the loss of our baby, shedding tears and searching for something to say that would make us feel better. Cain says smiling "Well, I guess I'm just going to have to wait a little longer to find out if baby was a Boy or a Girl" I started to laugh ... I smiled and I began to cry again, but I got to imagine that day in heaven thinking "what a surprise that will be" the sweetest gender reveal I will ever see. Pinterest can't top this one.
These weeks that have followed the day I saw my baby have been met with some of my closest friends and family standing next to us, giving us the time to grieve and offering words of healing, and sometimes not saying anything at all, but praying for us... these have been the most healing of times knowing there is nothing to say, but to just be there for us with prayer.
Because there are so many people I have cried with I can not express all my love for them in this one post.
I do want you guys to know though... I have gotten the answers to those questions that were painful for me to ask, some I found in my own heart, some validated by other moms but mostly all given from the Lord.
I have friends who have shared their loss and comforted me in mine. Every story shared to me, of these losses, mommas... I wept for your babes... my heart goes out to you, your strength gives me strength.
To the people who prayed over us, and baby ... you know who you are. Thank you <3
Our little hockey fan is with Jesus now, we have peace in that and right now, that's all we need.
GIVING BABY LIFE | JOURNEY THROUGH LOSS from Lanette's Photography on Vimeo.
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