11 Weeks
8.28.18
insert from Instagram:
I’ve sat here today thinking about how we could have a newborn in our arms today, instead we have a baby in Heaven who is dancing and singing with the Angels. It’s hard to explain our thoughts but as I was trying to explain it on here I remembered this saying....
“There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes”
Our hearts will never quite be the same. We are learning to embrace this new normal and are trying to heal in new ways each day. There is no timeline for this grief, there is only love that will continue on forever.
We wanted to celebrate the due date of Roman, so on Tuesday evening we wrote messages and let these lanterns go up. On this day and since we have been given so much love. Roman’s earthly due date will always be a day to remember and we appreciate those who value Roman’s life in my womb and now in Heaven.
8-10 Weeks | Our huge Milestone
Saturday, August 11, 2018
WEEK 8
Long before the 8-week mark came, there was built up fear and grief that left me numb most days. By week 7 I stayed inside just rubbing my little bump and soaking in all the feelings. I felt really close to Roman leading up to Rainbow Baby's 8-week milestone. It was the last full week I had with Roman and it brought back the joys and happy feelings.
Sitting there rubbing Rainbow Baby I wanted time to just stop. I was afraid of it moving too fast and reaching a point where I would have it all taken away, so to keep it there, felt safe.
We reached and passed that 8-week and 3-day mark. Wow, it was emotional to feel all those feelings. There was hope this time around something I didn't have before. It was new. All new, I felt lost almost on what to do next. I had worry feelings moving forward but every day I made a point to talk to our Baby. I rubbed my belly and soak in every minute. I know I haven't missed anything. Every week that comes, we are fighting for just 1 more week!
WEEK 9
I had not felt any morning sickness at this point. I had the part of me that was saying "I know I should be thankful for no sickness.... " and the other part of me saying "I wish I had symptoms that come with pregnancy, to know that Baby is okay."
When your hormones are high and working you "normally" or what I have always known was that if you were sick it was okay, that baby is healthy. With no sickness at all, it left a fear over me.
We had decided to do a last minute movie date sometime around 9-weeks. Breakfast seemed to not have settled right, I thought "maybe this is it, morning sickness!?" but nothing was happening. We got to the movies and we were passing Zesto's ice cream. I told Cain to pull over... I thought I needed to throw up but just wasn't sure. About 3 minutes passed there and finally like that, I had light vomit out the side door of our jeep.
It didn't last long, it wasn't much but as Cain come around to give me a tissue and saw me crying!
Cain - "Babe, what's wrong?!"
Lanette - "I'm so happy!!"
Laughing at me now Cain says "Your pregnant, Baby is okay!"
We laughed and I cried some more.
WEEK 10
I had one more throwing up session after I ate way too much pizza (it was healthier pizza and tasted so good to me, so yes, I ate way too much!"
I had a friend recommend to start eating smaller meals and more snacks throughout the day. Not to overeat. Since then I haven't had any sickness. But I still refuse to take the trash bag out to the huge trash can, that is a smell I rather not have to smell ... it's bad!
Thankful for every week. More to come...
The First 7 Weeks
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
I wanted to do this so much sooner, to keep things fresh in my mind but looks like I am doing this now .... ( 11 Weeks )
BABY IS HERE
6.10.18
I was almost 3 days late and very nervous to take a pregnancy test. I had taken many before this month with negatives every time. It's painful to keep checking after so many "Not Pregnant" words on a stick. I took a test on 6/8 just 2 days before this day, with a negative. So my hopes were low. I was in complete overwhelming shock seeing "Pregnant" shining in front of my own eyes! Cain was at Annual Training at this time and we would not be together for another week. So I made the quick decision to jump in our Jeep and start driving to him! I'm not allowed to just show up to his training, this was bold of me to just go to see, it probably wasn't okay to do but all I could think was "I can't know Baby is here without Cain, he has to know!"
It was a 2 hour drive and when I was about 1 hour out from him, Cain calls asking what I was doing. "I'm coming to you!" "What? Really?" he replied.
I explained to him that I was 2-3 days late and I wanted to take a pregnancy test with him (of course I already had at this point!) he understood though and was just as excited to find out. He was able to sneak away when I got there and he jumped into the Jeep with me. With 1 unopened pregnancy test laying in the middle as a way of making sure he didn't know what I was up too, I set up the camera and said "I will go inside the USO and pee on this and be back...... but there really is no reason too, Baby is already here... I"m Pregnant!"
6.11.18
We have the best midwives taking care of us and baby. Right after I shared with Cain the news we texted them and right away they sent in lap work to get my blood drawn the following day and ordered me Progesterone suppositories that I would need to take vaginally nightly until we knew my levels were safe. I love that they didn't waste any time! I was 4 weeks 2 days at this time.
6.14.18
I was traveling to Utah in the middle of the 48 blood draw protocol. It needed to be redrawn after 48 hours which meant I would be in Utah at that time. I took a break from Young Living's convention to visit a Lapcorp to finish the test. I was so emotional this whole time. So nervous and dealing with a lot of fears that were from losing our first baby, Roman.
We got the news the next day that my levels were way too low and that when I got home I would need to start injections of Progesterone. At the time I was very disappointed, discouraged and afraid. I felt like my body wasn't going to work. The heavy knowledge of knowing how fast losing a baby can stay with me.
Since losing Roman I found out I have what is called MTHFR and PAI 4/g 5/g. What this means is my blood clots and without a low dose of aspirin my blood would stop going to baby and would cause another miscarriage. So with this and low Progesterone, anxiety was high.
Sidenote: For those who have lost a baby can easily relate to this. To hear "don't worry" or "don't stress over it" is literally a laughing joke to me. I do believe God has control, I lean so much on my faith that God will answer our prayers for a healthy baby. You just have to realize that it's not an easy fix to just "not worry", we have been through death before, it's very real to us and something we will never forget.
6.19.18
I had my first Progesterone shot in the bottom. We went into the office for them to show/explain what Cain would need to do for me twice a week until further notice when my levels rise high enough.
It was extremely painful for weeks to follow with each injection. After every shot I would become so sore on my bottom I couldn't sit, just the littlest touch would leave me almost in tears. I don't say this too complain, I am explaining this so others can know what it's like so when someone you know has to go through it you can understand just a little what they must be going through. I kept positive although it was painful to take, I knew it was helping baby so much.
7.3.18
THE HEARTBEAT
Our first ultrasound. I didn't eat beforehand because I knew I would throw it up (not morning sickness) I was battling the worst flashbacks of my life. Going to the same place as last time, afraid to be in the same room as before and wondering if I would hear the familiar words of Roman's ultrasound. I was in tears before my name was even called. Thankfully I was lead through a different door than before and a new room. Alison the ultrasound tech knew right away something was amiss. We explained our story (Cain did actually, as I was crying and couldn't talk much)
I requested to start with a vaginal ultrasound. Normally they start with the abdominal ultrasound first and if the heartbeat is to faint they then go vaginally. This would have been repeating Roman's ultrasound. I couldn't and wouldn't go through that again. I was 7 weeks at that time so I knew there was a chance the heartbeat would be faint if there was one. Alison was so kind and not to question me. I explained then that I needed to know right away what she saw, the wait was too much last time... it was so painful sitting there lost.
Within seconds she said "Do you want to hear the heartbeat!?" in an uplighting sweet voice. This was so new to me. I didn't know what those words would sound like. I daydreamed of this moment for months but never could hear the words said out loud. I had to stop crying so she could get a clear view without me moving around from heavy sobs. Cain recorded the ultrasound and heartbeat and in tears, I said "I don't believe it's true"
Walking out from this day was bittersweet. There was a newness in the air and joy that was welcoming to our tired hearts but there also was the reminder of our grief. What a journey this has been thus far. Climbing a mountain daily to reach each new milestone.
More to come ...
BABY IS HERE
6.10.18
I was almost 3 days late and very nervous to take a pregnancy test. I had taken many before this month with negatives every time. It's painful to keep checking after so many "Not Pregnant" words on a stick. I took a test on 6/8 just 2 days before this day, with a negative. So my hopes were low. I was in complete overwhelming shock seeing "Pregnant" shining in front of my own eyes! Cain was at Annual Training at this time and we would not be together for another week. So I made the quick decision to jump in our Jeep and start driving to him! I'm not allowed to just show up to his training, this was bold of me to just go to see, it probably wasn't okay to do but all I could think was "I can't know Baby is here without Cain, he has to know!"
It was a 2 hour drive and when I was about 1 hour out from him, Cain calls asking what I was doing. "I'm coming to you!" "What? Really?" he replied.
I explained to him that I was 2-3 days late and I wanted to take a pregnancy test with him (of course I already had at this point!) he understood though and was just as excited to find out. He was able to sneak away when I got there and he jumped into the Jeep with me. With 1 unopened pregnancy test laying in the middle as a way of making sure he didn't know what I was up too, I set up the camera and said "I will go inside the USO and pee on this and be back...... but there really is no reason too, Baby is already here... I"m Pregnant!"
6.11.18
We have the best midwives taking care of us and baby. Right after I shared with Cain the news we texted them and right away they sent in lap work to get my blood drawn the following day and ordered me Progesterone suppositories that I would need to take vaginally nightly until we knew my levels were safe. I love that they didn't waste any time! I was 4 weeks 2 days at this time.
6.14.18
I was traveling to Utah in the middle of the 48 blood draw protocol. It needed to be redrawn after 48 hours which meant I would be in Utah at that time. I took a break from Young Living's convention to visit a Lapcorp to finish the test. I was so emotional this whole time. So nervous and dealing with a lot of fears that were from losing our first baby, Roman.
We got the news the next day that my levels were way too low and that when I got home I would need to start injections of Progesterone. At the time I was very disappointed, discouraged and afraid. I felt like my body wasn't going to work. The heavy knowledge of knowing how fast losing a baby can stay with me.
Since losing Roman I found out I have what is called MTHFR and PAI 4/g 5/g. What this means is my blood clots and without a low dose of aspirin my blood would stop going to baby and would cause another miscarriage. So with this and low Progesterone, anxiety was high.
Sidenote: For those who have lost a baby can easily relate to this. To hear "don't worry" or "don't stress over it" is literally a laughing joke to me. I do believe God has control, I lean so much on my faith that God will answer our prayers for a healthy baby. You just have to realize that it's not an easy fix to just "not worry", we have been through death before, it's very real to us and something we will never forget.
6.19.18
I had my first Progesterone shot in the bottom. We went into the office for them to show/explain what Cain would need to do for me twice a week until further notice when my levels rise high enough.
It was extremely painful for weeks to follow with each injection. After every shot I would become so sore on my bottom I couldn't sit, just the littlest touch would leave me almost in tears. I don't say this too complain, I am explaining this so others can know what it's like so when someone you know has to go through it you can understand just a little what they must be going through. I kept positive although it was painful to take, I knew it was helping baby so much.
7.3.18
THE HEARTBEAT
Our first ultrasound. I didn't eat beforehand because I knew I would throw it up (not morning sickness) I was battling the worst flashbacks of my life. Going to the same place as last time, afraid to be in the same room as before and wondering if I would hear the familiar words of Roman's ultrasound. I was in tears before my name was even called. Thankfully I was lead through a different door than before and a new room. Alison the ultrasound tech knew right away something was amiss. We explained our story (Cain did actually, as I was crying and couldn't talk much)
I requested to start with a vaginal ultrasound. Normally they start with the abdominal ultrasound first and if the heartbeat is to faint they then go vaginally. This would have been repeating Roman's ultrasound. I couldn't and wouldn't go through that again. I was 7 weeks at that time so I knew there was a chance the heartbeat would be faint if there was one. Alison was so kind and not to question me. I explained then that I needed to know right away what she saw, the wait was too much last time... it was so painful sitting there lost.
Within seconds she said "Do you want to hear the heartbeat!?" in an uplighting sweet voice. This was so new to me. I didn't know what those words would sound like. I daydreamed of this moment for months but never could hear the words said out loud. I had to stop crying so she could get a clear view without me moving around from heavy sobs. Cain recorded the ultrasound and heartbeat and in tears, I said "I don't believe it's true"
Walking out from this day was bittersweet. There was a newness in the air and joy that was welcoming to our tired hearts but there also was the reminder of our grief. What a journey this has been thus far. Climbing a mountain daily to reach each new milestone.
More to come ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
