14-15 Weeks
14 Weeks
8.11.18
We are have taken each day for what the day is. I don't long for the next like I thought I would. I am thankful for each day and do not wish it away. There are days that I do lay in bed a bit longer, trying to feel any movement though. I sit still often and chat with baby and tell baby all the things I'm feeling, although I have a feeling baby already knows how I feel.
My body is making new changes daily. I love the growth. I love all the changes. I don't mind hearing "You're big already" I normally response with "Well, I am pushing out a little" because I long for the outward view of what's going on inside... a growing baby! I want to see the growth daily, it helps me know that things are going okay, that baby is growing.
I am often very sad when thinking about the lack of time I had with my first baby. I wish I could have had longer. Which is why we are thankful for each day, it's special to us.
8.11.18
We are have taken each day for what the day is. I don't long for the next like I thought I would. I am thankful for each day and do not wish it away. There are days that I do lay in bed a bit longer, trying to feel any movement though. I sit still often and chat with baby and tell baby all the things I'm feeling, although I have a feeling baby already knows how I feel.
My body is making new changes daily. I love the growth. I love all the changes. I don't mind hearing "You're big already" I normally response with "Well, I am pushing out a little" because I long for the outward view of what's going on inside... a growing baby! I want to see the growth daily, it helps me know that things are going okay, that baby is growing.
I am often very sad when thinking about the lack of time I had with my first baby. I wish I could have had longer. Which is why we are thankful for each day, it's special to us.
Rainbow | What does it mean to me
Thursday, August 30, 2018
What the Rainbow means to me. I have been asked often, “what’s a rainbow baby?” It’s not a new term but what I’ve noticed is that more people are sharing their rainbows now, than before in the past.
Not everyone shares though.
You see it’s when you lose a baby and the storm of suffering and grief follow. You’re caught in the storm and then you see a rainbow appear. Rainbows carry the weight of God’s promise; they are God’s sign that He would never again flood the earth. Rainbows are a reminder to us that God is ever-faithful and longs to show us His goodness and mercy.
Knowing God has brought new life to us is a rainbow in the sky after months of suffering. But something that is not understood is that this rainbow does not fix what was lost.
A rainbow/baby is not a promise of a perfect story-tale movie. A living baby is a blessing, not a promise. They aren’t the rainbow, they are a gift. We aren’t promised that all suffering will pass.
But we are promised that God will never leave us. God is good through it all and that this rainbow is another way of showing us his love for us. But guess what? so was Roman.
Roman was a gift, God showed us his love by giving us our first baby and showing us what kind of love that was. I never will describe Roman as a storm. And I will never hold our second baby and say “now I’m complete” our babies cannot complete us or fix the suffering from loss. Only Christ can do this in me. He has been working in me long before our rainbow. Baby is a beautiful reminder that God hears the desires of my heart but He is doing a crazy work still molding me to who He desires me to be. Whole through Him alone.
Rainbow babies are a beautiful picture of hope. That I know for sure. They are not a promise of no more suffering. But we are promised “I will never leave you or forsake you” in Deuteronomy. And in Jeremiah we are promised again: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
If you are suffering in a loss, it’s okay to hope for a rainbow. God sees you. He weeps with you in your suffering. Asking Him “what’s next?” was so hard for me. Because I kept asking “Why?” But when I said, “What’s next?” I begin to feel comfort knowing that only He could bring me (others tried, but it was not a comfort like this)
Praying for your rainbow. Your sign of hope. But I am also praying for wholeness in Jesus Christ
Not everyone shares though.
You see it’s when you lose a baby and the storm of suffering and grief follow. You’re caught in the storm and then you see a rainbow appear. Rainbows carry the weight of God’s promise; they are God’s sign that He would never again flood the earth. Rainbows are a reminder to us that God is ever-faithful and longs to show us His goodness and mercy.
Knowing God has brought new life to us is a rainbow in the sky after months of suffering. But something that is not understood is that this rainbow does not fix what was lost.
A rainbow/baby is not a promise of a perfect story-tale movie. A living baby is a blessing, not a promise. They aren’t the rainbow, they are a gift. We aren’t promised that all suffering will pass.
But we are promised that God will never leave us. God is good through it all and that this rainbow is another way of showing us his love for us. But guess what? so was Roman.
Roman was a gift, God showed us his love by giving us our first baby and showing us what kind of love that was. I never will describe Roman as a storm. And I will never hold our second baby and say “now I’m complete” our babies cannot complete us or fix the suffering from loss. Only Christ can do this in me. He has been working in me long before our rainbow. Baby is a beautiful reminder that God hears the desires of my heart but He is doing a crazy work still molding me to who He desires me to be. Whole through Him alone.
Rainbow babies are a beautiful picture of hope. That I know for sure. They are not a promise of no more suffering. But we are promised “I will never leave you or forsake you” in Deuteronomy. And in Jeremiah we are promised again: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
If you are suffering in a loss, it’s okay to hope for a rainbow. God sees you. He weeps with you in your suffering. Asking Him “what’s next?” was so hard for me. Because I kept asking “Why?” But when I said, “What’s next?” I begin to feel comfort knowing that only He could bring me (others tried, but it was not a comfort like this)
Praying for your rainbow. Your sign of hope. But I am also praying for wholeness in Jesus Christ
8.28.18
insert from Instagram:
I’ve sat here today thinking about how we could have a newborn in our arms today, instead we have a baby in Heaven who is dancing and singing with the Angels. It’s hard to explain our thoughts but as I was trying to explain it on here I remembered this saying....
“There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes”
Our hearts will never quite be the same. We are learning to embrace this new normal and are trying to heal in new ways each day. There is no timeline for this grief, there is only love that will continue on forever.
We wanted to celebrate the due date of Roman, so on Tuesday evening we wrote messages and let these lanterns go up. On this day and since we have been given so much love. Roman’s earthly due date will always be a day to remember and we appreciate those who value Roman’s life in my womb and now in Heaven.
8-10 Weeks | Our huge Milestone
Saturday, August 11, 2018
WEEK 8
Long before the 8-week mark came, there was built up fear and grief that left me numb most days. By week 7 I stayed inside just rubbing my little bump and soaking in all the feelings. I felt really close to Roman leading up to Rainbow Baby's 8-week milestone. It was the last full week I had with Roman and it brought back the joys and happy feelings.
Sitting there rubbing Rainbow Baby I wanted time to just stop. I was afraid of it moving too fast and reaching a point where I would have it all taken away, so to keep it there, felt safe.
We reached and passed that 8-week and 3-day mark. Wow, it was emotional to feel all those feelings. There was hope this time around something I didn't have before. It was new. All new, I felt lost almost on what to do next. I had worry feelings moving forward but every day I made a point to talk to our Baby. I rubbed my belly and soak in every minute. I know I haven't missed anything. Every week that comes, we are fighting for just 1 more week!
WEEK 9
I had not felt any morning sickness at this point. I had the part of me that was saying "I know I should be thankful for no sickness.... " and the other part of me saying "I wish I had symptoms that come with pregnancy, to know that Baby is okay."
When your hormones are high and working you "normally" or what I have always known was that if you were sick it was okay, that baby is healthy. With no sickness at all, it left a fear over me.
We had decided to do a last minute movie date sometime around 9-weeks. Breakfast seemed to not have settled right, I thought "maybe this is it, morning sickness!?" but nothing was happening. We got to the movies and we were passing Zesto's ice cream. I told Cain to pull over... I thought I needed to throw up but just wasn't sure. About 3 minutes passed there and finally like that, I had light vomit out the side door of our jeep.
It didn't last long, it wasn't much but as Cain come around to give me a tissue and saw me crying!
Cain - "Babe, what's wrong?!"
Lanette - "I'm so happy!!"
Laughing at me now Cain says "Your pregnant, Baby is okay!"
We laughed and I cried some more.
WEEK 10
I had one more throwing up session after I ate way too much pizza (it was healthier pizza and tasted so good to me, so yes, I ate way too much!"
I had a friend recommend to start eating smaller meals and more snacks throughout the day. Not to overeat. Since then I haven't had any sickness. But I still refuse to take the trash bag out to the huge trash can, that is a smell I rather not have to smell ... it's bad!
Thankful for every week. More to come...
The First 7 Weeks
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
I wanted to do this so much sooner, to keep things fresh in my mind but looks like I am doing this now .... ( 11 Weeks )
BABY IS HERE
6.10.18
I was almost 3 days late and very nervous to take a pregnancy test. I had taken many before this month with negatives every time. It's painful to keep checking after so many "Not Pregnant" words on a stick. I took a test on 6/8 just 2 days before this day, with a negative. So my hopes were low. I was in complete overwhelming shock seeing "Pregnant" shining in front of my own eyes! Cain was at Annual Training at this time and we would not be together for another week. So I made the quick decision to jump in our Jeep and start driving to him! I'm not allowed to just show up to his training, this was bold of me to just go to see, it probably wasn't okay to do but all I could think was "I can't know Baby is here without Cain, he has to know!"
It was a 2 hour drive and when I was about 1 hour out from him, Cain calls asking what I was doing. "I'm coming to you!" "What? Really?" he replied.
I explained to him that I was 2-3 days late and I wanted to take a pregnancy test with him (of course I already had at this point!) he understood though and was just as excited to find out. He was able to sneak away when I got there and he jumped into the Jeep with me. With 1 unopened pregnancy test laying in the middle as a way of making sure he didn't know what I was up too, I set up the camera and said "I will go inside the USO and pee on this and be back...... but there really is no reason too, Baby is already here... I"m Pregnant!"
6.11.18
We have the best midwives taking care of us and baby. Right after I shared with Cain the news we texted them and right away they sent in lap work to get my blood drawn the following day and ordered me Progesterone suppositories that I would need to take vaginally nightly until we knew my levels were safe. I love that they didn't waste any time! I was 4 weeks 2 days at this time.
6.14.18
I was traveling to Utah in the middle of the 48 blood draw protocol. It needed to be redrawn after 48 hours which meant I would be in Utah at that time. I took a break from Young Living's convention to visit a Lapcorp to finish the test. I was so emotional this whole time. So nervous and dealing with a lot of fears that were from losing our first baby, Roman.
We got the news the next day that my levels were way too low and that when I got home I would need to start injections of Progesterone. At the time I was very disappointed, discouraged and afraid. I felt like my body wasn't going to work. The heavy knowledge of knowing how fast losing a baby can stay with me.
Since losing Roman I found out I have what is called MTHFR and PAI 4/g 5/g. What this means is my blood clots and without a low dose of aspirin my blood would stop going to baby and would cause another miscarriage. So with this and low Progesterone, anxiety was high.
Sidenote: For those who have lost a baby can easily relate to this. To hear "don't worry" or "don't stress over it" is literally a laughing joke to me. I do believe God has control, I lean so much on my faith that God will answer our prayers for a healthy baby. You just have to realize that it's not an easy fix to just "not worry", we have been through death before, it's very real to us and something we will never forget.
6.19.18
I had my first Progesterone shot in the bottom. We went into the office for them to show/explain what Cain would need to do for me twice a week until further notice when my levels rise high enough.
It was extremely painful for weeks to follow with each injection. After every shot I would become so sore on my bottom I couldn't sit, just the littlest touch would leave me almost in tears. I don't say this too complain, I am explaining this so others can know what it's like so when someone you know has to go through it you can understand just a little what they must be going through. I kept positive although it was painful to take, I knew it was helping baby so much.
7.3.18
THE HEARTBEAT
Our first ultrasound. I didn't eat beforehand because I knew I would throw it up (not morning sickness) I was battling the worst flashbacks of my life. Going to the same place as last time, afraid to be in the same room as before and wondering if I would hear the familiar words of Roman's ultrasound. I was in tears before my name was even called. Thankfully I was lead through a different door than before and a new room. Alison the ultrasound tech knew right away something was amiss. We explained our story (Cain did actually, as I was crying and couldn't talk much)
I requested to start with a vaginal ultrasound. Normally they start with the abdominal ultrasound first and if the heartbeat is to faint they then go vaginally. This would have been repeating Roman's ultrasound. I couldn't and wouldn't go through that again. I was 7 weeks at that time so I knew there was a chance the heartbeat would be faint if there was one. Alison was so kind and not to question me. I explained then that I needed to know right away what she saw, the wait was too much last time... it was so painful sitting there lost.
Within seconds she said "Do you want to hear the heartbeat!?" in an uplighting sweet voice. This was so new to me. I didn't know what those words would sound like. I daydreamed of this moment for months but never could hear the words said out loud. I had to stop crying so she could get a clear view without me moving around from heavy sobs. Cain recorded the ultrasound and heartbeat and in tears, I said "I don't believe it's true"
Walking out from this day was bittersweet. There was a newness in the air and joy that was welcoming to our tired hearts but there also was the reminder of our grief. What a journey this has been thus far. Climbing a mountain daily to reach each new milestone.
More to come ...
BABY IS HERE
6.10.18
I was almost 3 days late and very nervous to take a pregnancy test. I had taken many before this month with negatives every time. It's painful to keep checking after so many "Not Pregnant" words on a stick. I took a test on 6/8 just 2 days before this day, with a negative. So my hopes were low. I was in complete overwhelming shock seeing "Pregnant" shining in front of my own eyes! Cain was at Annual Training at this time and we would not be together for another week. So I made the quick decision to jump in our Jeep and start driving to him! I'm not allowed to just show up to his training, this was bold of me to just go to see, it probably wasn't okay to do but all I could think was "I can't know Baby is here without Cain, he has to know!"
It was a 2 hour drive and when I was about 1 hour out from him, Cain calls asking what I was doing. "I'm coming to you!" "What? Really?" he replied.
I explained to him that I was 2-3 days late and I wanted to take a pregnancy test with him (of course I already had at this point!) he understood though and was just as excited to find out. He was able to sneak away when I got there and he jumped into the Jeep with me. With 1 unopened pregnancy test laying in the middle as a way of making sure he didn't know what I was up too, I set up the camera and said "I will go inside the USO and pee on this and be back...... but there really is no reason too, Baby is already here... I"m Pregnant!"
6.11.18
We have the best midwives taking care of us and baby. Right after I shared with Cain the news we texted them and right away they sent in lap work to get my blood drawn the following day and ordered me Progesterone suppositories that I would need to take vaginally nightly until we knew my levels were safe. I love that they didn't waste any time! I was 4 weeks 2 days at this time.
6.14.18
I was traveling to Utah in the middle of the 48 blood draw protocol. It needed to be redrawn after 48 hours which meant I would be in Utah at that time. I took a break from Young Living's convention to visit a Lapcorp to finish the test. I was so emotional this whole time. So nervous and dealing with a lot of fears that were from losing our first baby, Roman.
We got the news the next day that my levels were way too low and that when I got home I would need to start injections of Progesterone. At the time I was very disappointed, discouraged and afraid. I felt like my body wasn't going to work. The heavy knowledge of knowing how fast losing a baby can stay with me.
Since losing Roman I found out I have what is called MTHFR and PAI 4/g 5/g. What this means is my blood clots and without a low dose of aspirin my blood would stop going to baby and would cause another miscarriage. So with this and low Progesterone, anxiety was high.
Sidenote: For those who have lost a baby can easily relate to this. To hear "don't worry" or "don't stress over it" is literally a laughing joke to me. I do believe God has control, I lean so much on my faith that God will answer our prayers for a healthy baby. You just have to realize that it's not an easy fix to just "not worry", we have been through death before, it's very real to us and something we will never forget.
6.19.18
I had my first Progesterone shot in the bottom. We went into the office for them to show/explain what Cain would need to do for me twice a week until further notice when my levels rise high enough.
It was extremely painful for weeks to follow with each injection. After every shot I would become so sore on my bottom I couldn't sit, just the littlest touch would leave me almost in tears. I don't say this too complain, I am explaining this so others can know what it's like so when someone you know has to go through it you can understand just a little what they must be going through. I kept positive although it was painful to take, I knew it was helping baby so much.
7.3.18
THE HEARTBEAT
Our first ultrasound. I didn't eat beforehand because I knew I would throw it up (not morning sickness) I was battling the worst flashbacks of my life. Going to the same place as last time, afraid to be in the same room as before and wondering if I would hear the familiar words of Roman's ultrasound. I was in tears before my name was even called. Thankfully I was lead through a different door than before and a new room. Alison the ultrasound tech knew right away something was amiss. We explained our story (Cain did actually, as I was crying and couldn't talk much)
I requested to start with a vaginal ultrasound. Normally they start with the abdominal ultrasound first and if the heartbeat is to faint they then go vaginally. This would have been repeating Roman's ultrasound. I couldn't and wouldn't go through that again. I was 7 weeks at that time so I knew there was a chance the heartbeat would be faint if there was one. Alison was so kind and not to question me. I explained then that I needed to know right away what she saw, the wait was too much last time... it was so painful sitting there lost.
Within seconds she said "Do you want to hear the heartbeat!?" in an uplighting sweet voice. This was so new to me. I didn't know what those words would sound like. I daydreamed of this moment for months but never could hear the words said out loud. I had to stop crying so she could get a clear view without me moving around from heavy sobs. Cain recorded the ultrasound and heartbeat and in tears, I said "I don't believe it's true"
Walking out from this day was bittersweet. There was a newness in the air and joy that was welcoming to our tired hearts but there also was the reminder of our grief. What a journey this has been thus far. Climbing a mountain daily to reach each new milestone.
More to come ...
BABY IS HERE
Saturday, July 7, 2018
You may look at this photo and see just an average couple excited to announce their baby's arrival (excited we are!) But what you don't see behind a photo is the pain and heartbreak long before this photo was taken. The grief that we went through and continue to live in daily is sometimes not seen, it's felt every day though. But to someone who doesn't understand or know themselves, it can go unnoticed and it may just look like an effortless photo.
This is not our first baby and that will always be known to us. As we rejoice in baby #2 we always will be reminded of Roman not being here.
Our excitement and joy is someone else's reminder of heartbreak and grief also. As I write this I know someone is hurting and longing for what this moment will feel like. Those who are in grief and who are in pain, I see you. I see you mama. I see your hearts desire.
Our journey has been an open book, for the most part, those who know us know of our first baby Roman There are days I didn't talk about that were painful and ugly to post. You are not alone on these days, I promise you this.
As I am living out this dream I feel almost numb to what is happening at times. "Is this really even happening?" I thought as we smiled for a photo. "I don't believe it could be true" were the words actually spoken as I lay on the bed at the ultrasound appointment when the technician said...
"Want to hear Baby's heartbeat?"
Let me tell you that this has been a journey that is still happening. I have had days of rejoicing and days of fear for not what "maybe could happen" but for what has already happened once to us. In these moments I pray over our baby and repeat the words from our heavenly Father...
“Behold, I am making all things new.”
Revelation 21:5
Since the day I heard Baby's heartbeat I have felt Satan trying so hard steal all my joy. Putting flashbacks in my head fears in my heart and robbing me of the joy I felt hearing our Baby’s heartbeat. Today I am saying "No more Satan, you are not welcome here! "
We are so blessed to announce the joy of what God has formed and set apart in me.
Our Baby is HERE!
Yes, HERE. Not coming, or going to be here. Already here.
Weird to hear that said? Time to get used to hearing it.
Baby has arrived and is living inside of me until our baby is ready to come earthside.
We are blessed. Look what our God can do.
Roman
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
I fought going out for a long time after losing our baby. Waiting to deliver my baby, I went through ugly postpartum hormones without my baby to cuddle with to get through and then life after loss is extremely difficult. So I found a safe place within the walls of my home where I was safe from reality and from others who might say something that would make it worse.
But I decided to finally get out and we joined our friend at her church one Sunday in April.
The pastor started his sermon out with a story, about him and his wife's first baby...
He told of the birth of their first child and shared with us that he was born on August 28th.
He told of the birth of their first child and shared with us that he was born on August 28th.
Cain and I look at each other both with an odd expression on our faces. That's our babies due date! August 28th. Weird that he would say that and it is the same as our baby. It wasn't even a big part of his story, it was just a passing comment saying the date. But it is a big date for us.
I can't tell you everything he talked about. I didn't take notes I barely could listen. I just sat there as he spoke but really the whole time God was doing work in me to prepare my heart for what came at the end of his message.
As we sat and he was ending his sermon on the big screen right in front of us was a verse that popped up on the screen.
I gasped for air. I begin to sob uncontrollably. Before my eyes was my baby's due date, again.
Romans 8:28
The verse read:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
I cried for my baby. I cried knowing that God has a purpose for our child and it was confirmed right there that our child had a name. We love our Lord, we love that he gave us a child to love. It's shown us this special kind of love for our unborn child and other unborn babies that we didn't have before.
The ones who are not earthside but still with us, he showed us what a love like that can look like. I know that God placed our child in my womb for a reason. He did NOT want our child to die. Sin entered the world and with it came sickness and death. Sometimes precious babies are the victims as my friend shared with me recently as I've been searching for answers. God can use anything for good. But his plan is NOT to kill babies. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." - Psalm 139:13
The ones who are not earthside but still with us, he showed us what a love like that can look like. I know that God placed our child in my womb for a reason. He did NOT want our child to die. Sin entered the world and with it came sickness and death. Sometimes precious babies are the victims as my friend shared with me recently as I've been searching for answers. God can use anything for good. But his plan is NOT to kill babies. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." - Psalm 139:13
Roman August Grogg, we love you even though we never knew you.
First bonfire | These are some good times
Saturday, May 5, 2018
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
Mermaid Hair | DIY Spray
Friday, April 6, 2018
Never in the history of me blogging did I think I would be talking about my hair. Just because it hasn't always been healthy. It's been a stuggle for a long time! Until...
Well, lots of things have changed. I threw out all chemicals on my hair. How would you know if your products have chemicals? Download "think dirty" app and scan your products. It will rate it from 1-10 ... 10 being the worst! Let's just say mine where bad (and some said "organic")
Next I started to use a natural shampoo with oils in it. Game gamer.
Next I found this Mermiad spary. And now I'm more in love with my hair!
I spray this on my wet hair but also when it's dry for friz control!
So here is the "how too"!
Mermaid Spray
+ 4 oz glass jar
+ 30 drops Lavender
+ 30 drops Cedarwood
+ 20 drops Rosemary
+ 10 drops Geranium
+ 3 oz of Thayer's unscented witch hazel
If you are needing these oils to make this spray or for you hair needs, message me, text me or visit this link to learn more!
Comment below and tell me if you are going to try this!
"THE WALL"
Monday, March 12, 2018
When we moved into our new little home in September, I knew what colors I wanted the walls. White. I had been dreaming of white walls for over a year and when I was seeing the home for the first time I saw a wall in the dining room, that was close to a window. I said to myself. That's the wall.
You see, I have been dreaming of being a mother for years. You may have asked me "When are you guys having kids?!" I would reply back ... "Not yet!" that doesn't mean I didn't want to be a mother. It was me saying "We have a plan, and we are waiting for the plan"
When I saw this blank wall I knew what I wanted to use it for. The long waited, bump wall.
You know, the one where you see the bump growing each month.
The day we found out we were parents to a little tiny baby in my belly I said: "Let's take a picture on the wall!!"
You see, I have been dreaming of being a mother for years. You may have asked me "When are you guys having kids?!" I would reply back ... "Not yet!" that doesn't mean I didn't want to be a mother. It was me saying "We have a plan, and we are waiting for the plan"
When I saw this blank wall I knew what I wanted to use it for. The long waited, bump wall.
You know, the one where you see the bump growing each month.
The day we found out we were parents to a little tiny baby in my belly I said: "Let's take a picture on the wall!!"
YOU ARE A MOM
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
Although there was nothing I could have done, I regret so much. Why is that? I’m a mom who has a broken heart. I long for peace and for my mind to rest. My heart needs mending, it feels shattered in this moment. This is a very raw time in the deep trenches of grief.
GIVING YOU LIFE | BEGINNING JOURNEY IN LOSS
Friday, February 9, 2018
Life.
What a beautiful miracle life is.
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