Rainbow | What does it mean to me

What the Rainbow means to me. I have been asked often, “what’s a rainbow baby?” It’s not a new term but what I’ve noticed is that more people are sharing their rainbows now, than before in the past. 

Not everyone shares though. 

You see it’s when you lose a baby and the storm of suffering and grief follow. You’re caught in the storm and then you see a rainbow appear. Rainbows carry the weight of God’s promise; they are God’s sign that He would never again flood the earth. Rainbows are a reminder to us that God is ever-faithful and longs to show us His goodness and mercy. 

Knowing God has brought new life to us is a rainbow in the sky after months of suffering. But something that is not understood is that this rainbow does not fix what was lost.

A rainbow/baby is not a promise of a perfect story-tale movie. A living baby is a blessing, not a promise. They aren’t the rainbow, they are a gift. We aren’t promised that all suffering will pass. 

But we are promised that God will never leave us. God is good through it all and that this rainbow is another way of showing us his love for us. But guess what? so was Roman. 

Roman was a gift, God showed us his love by giving us our first baby and showing us what kind of love that was. I never will describe Roman as a storm. And I will never hold our second baby and say “now I’m complete” our babies cannot complete us or fix the suffering from loss. Only Christ can do this in me. He has been working in me long before our rainbow. Baby is a beautiful reminder that God hears the desires of my heart but He is doing a crazy work still molding me to who He desires me to be. Whole through Him alone.

Rainbow babies are a beautiful picture of hope. That I know for sure. They are not a promise of no more suffering. But we are promised “I will never leave you or forsake you” in Deuteronomy. And in Jeremiah we are promised again: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

If you are suffering in a loss, it’s okay to hope for a rainbow. God sees you. He weeps with you in your suffering. Asking Him “what’s next?” was so hard for me. Because I kept asking “Why?” But when I said, “What’s next?” I begin to feel comfort knowing that only He could bring me (others tried, but it was not a comfort like this)

Praying for your rainbow. Your sign of hope. But I am also praying for wholeness in Jesus Christ

11-13 Weeks

11 Weeks

8.28.18

insert from Instagram:

 I’ve sat here today thinking about how we could have a newborn in our arms today, instead we have a baby in Heaven who is dancing and singing with the Angels. It’s hard to explain our thoughts but as I was trying to explain it on here I remembered this saying.... 

“There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes” 

Our hearts will never quite be the same. We are learning to embrace this new normal and are trying to heal in new ways each day. There is no timeline for this grief, there is only love that will continue on forever. 

We wanted to celebrate the due date of Roman, so on Tuesday evening we wrote messages and let these lanterns go up. On this day and since we have been given so much love. Roman’s earthly due date will always be a day to remember and we appreciate those who value Roman’s life in my womb and now in Heaven.

8-10 Weeks | Our huge Milestone

WEEK 8

Long before the 8-week mark came, there was built up fear and grief that left me numb most days. By week 7 I stayed inside just rubbing my little bump and soaking in all the feelings. I felt really close to Roman leading up to Rainbow Baby's 8-week milestone. It was the last full week I had with Roman and it brought back the joys and happy feelings.

Sitting there rubbing Rainbow Baby I wanted time to just stop. I was afraid of it moving too fast and reaching a point where I would have it all taken away, so to keep it there, felt safe.

We reached and passed that 8-week and 3-day mark. Wow, it was emotional to feel all those feelings. There was hope this time around something I didn't have before. It was new. All new, I felt lost almost on what to do next. I had worry feelings moving forward but every day I made a point to talk to our Baby. I rubbed my belly and soak in every minute. I know I haven't missed anything. Every week that comes, we are fighting for just 1 more week!

WEEK 9

I had not felt any morning sickness at this point. I had the part of me that was saying "I know I should be thankful for no sickness.... " and the other part of me saying "I wish I had symptoms that come with pregnancy, to know that Baby is okay."

When your hormones are high and working you "normally" or what I have always known was that if you were sick it was okay, that baby is healthy. With no sickness at all, it left a fear over me.

We had decided to do a last minute movie date sometime around 9-weeks. Breakfast seemed to not have settled right, I thought "maybe this is it, morning sickness!?" but nothing was happening. We got to the movies and we were passing Zesto's ice cream. I told Cain to pull over... I thought I needed to throw up but just wasn't sure. About 3 minutes passed there and finally like that, I had light vomit out the side door of our jeep.

It didn't last long, it wasn't much but as Cain come around to give me a tissue and saw me crying!

Cain - "Babe, what's wrong?!"

Lanette - "I'm so happy!!"

Laughing at me now Cain says "Your pregnant, Baby is okay!"

We laughed and I cried some more.

WEEK 10

I had one more throwing up session after I ate way too much pizza (it was healthier pizza and tasted so good to me, so yes, I ate way too much!"

I had a friend recommend to start eating smaller meals and more snacks throughout the day. Not to overeat. Since then I haven't had any sickness. But I still refuse to take the trash bag out to the huge trash can, that is a smell I rather not have to smell ... it's bad!

Thankful for every week. More to come...